To all those suffering: I mean you no harm. I understand what it’s like to be hurt. I understand what it’s like to be angry. I understand what it’s like to be abused.
But, to all of those who have abused another, who will never find peace within themselves: it is for you that I present the following letter. And for those who feel the way he feels, for those who have truly slain the beast within, I say, I forgive you.
What does it mean to suffer?
I have suffered many times in my life, from abuse, humiliation, and shame, although nothing compares to the pain and suffering I experience every day because of my actions.
I sexually abused another.
I can work on forgiving others for the things they did to me. I can work on letting go.
What I have done is with me every moment of my life, tormenting me, twisting me into what I am today.
I was a child when I committed those shameful acts. What grave injustice was it that turned a child into a beast? Can someone tell me?
It can drive a person mad when their entire life is spent trying to work that out, and constantly worrying if the beast can wake up again.
For how long does one have to suffer for the sins of the past?
I have apologized.
I have made amends.
I have cried enough tears to fill the Nile, but the pain still kills me and the nightmares don’t stop, because…what if….
What if the beast is just asleep?
Do I have the strength to fight it again?
And yet…I still must move forward and live my life, day by day.
I have to live with myself.
I have to be the man I know I am, and not the child I was.