Today is the birthday of my first-born.
He would have been four years old today. Instead, he is buried on a mountain with other sons, daughters, fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, uncles and aunts, forever a tiny babe.
He is happy there, and well taken care of. He does not feel the pains of growing up. He does not suffer from physical ailments. He does not lack anything. He is safe.
He needs only my love.
I feel comforted by this. I know that my love is the one sure thing I can give anyone.
I give him love by loving my husband, his father.
I give him love by being gentle with my daughter, his sister.
I give him love through kindness to others.
I give him love through mercy for the under-privileged.
I give him love through forgiving the wrongs done to me.
I give him love through my self acceptance.
I am reminded of a song.
“Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven?….Would you hold my hand, if i saw you in Heaven?
I’ll find my way through, night and day, cause I know I just can’t stay here in Heaven.
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees, time can break your heart, have you begging please…
Beyond the door, there’s peace I’m sure, and I know there’ll be no more tears in Heaven.
I must be strong, and carry on, ’cause I know I don’t belong here in Heaven.”
It tells my pain, it tells my story and it tells my hope.
I love my little boy so much. I will do everything in my power to see him again.
Today is his birthday. Today is the day he set me free.
I love you, son.