Tag: acceptance

Broken Grief

This feeling…this sad feeling…covers me like a blanket…suffocating me slowly.

It is not a new feeling…it is an anticipated one.

Do not project…they told me…do not lose faith in humanity…you can never know the outcome…you can never know for sure.

So I tried not to project…not to expect to be hurt…

But I am not entirely foolish…and I let that part of me that knows better live next to the part of me that pretends risks are worth taking.

I knew.  I always knew…that I would be sitting in this puddle of pain…this dirty pool of sorrow…and there would be no one to pick me up.

This is Grief…this is all the damn stages…when you lose something you loved…or thought you loved…

At first…I kept a quiet Denial.  I was alone and afraid but if I didn’t say a word…it was as if it wasn’t there.

Then I yelled…screamed out the Anger that was consuming me…turning on the world…on myself.

Then I Bargained…for love…for attention…for validation.

And now…I’m sad…it is a different kind of Depression…not one born in my Denial…one that is like taking a deep…long breath…and holding it in for just a second more…

Because I’m ready for Acceptance.

I am ready to calmly walk away from my dying past…calmly acknowledge that I will not have what I deserve…and learn to love all my broken pieces…without the ones I’ve lost.

I am still sitting here…in my sadness…looking for a helping hand.

What I can see though…are all the Broken People…and they are reaching out with hands as filthy as mine…and we are singing our song again…irritating the Unbroken…as we bombard them with the truth of our shattered selves.

The Unbroken will ignore us for as long as they can…because the Unbroken do not like the smell…they do not want to deal with our puddles of shallow shit…they do not want to acknowledge the broken-hearted…they would rather turn us inside out…hang us outside the camp…and pretend they cannot see as we shrivel up and die.

So Broken People…let us become our own Broken Family…let us Accept together…let us finish mourning all the Unbroken who walked out on us…who left us buried in the sand…and let us move on without them.

But you Unbroken People…you don’t know what I know…you don’t know that being Unbroken…just makes you…Breakable.

When you’re sitting under your blankets of pain…I will be there…and I will reach out with a strong…reinforced…and loving hand.

The Rabbi’s Daughter

“So I watched this thing…it’s going around…”

They are looking at me, waiting, and I realize it is too late.  I will say it.

“It’s called The Rabbi’s Daughter…”

My father’s eyes raise and I almost swallow the words, even though I know I can’t.

“It reminded me of you…of us.”

And then I am describing the scene, the one where the girl is baring her soul to her father, showing her a piece of him that is so raw and so full of confusion…the part where they watch her creation float across the screen…the image of him walking…her circling him in his shadow, at the end of his shadow…always, always in his shadow…and then he smiles and reaches for a book…and her face shows sorrow and acceptance…as he finds a quote…intellectualizing her experience…explaining it…his way…even though it is hers…

And my father…my teacher…my very own Rabbi…is nodding his head in a way that shows me he knows…very well…why I am telling him this…and he is sort of pulling away…wanting to leave the conversation…

But…

He stays.

We wrap it up easily.  He kids a bit about how I tried to smooth my choice of topic over with a silly comment about his lack of emotional capacity…just so I wouldn’t be disappointed…and in very few words he calls my bluff.

And then the goodbye is easy, comfortable…and I am so incredibly in awe of him…of them…the only two people in my life who were willing…eager…to change…just so that we could hold a conversation where things that aren’t so nice to hear…can be said, accepted…and embraced.

Dedicated to The Ones I Love

We met when I was barely eighteen.

I kept a low profile, my face hidden behind unkempt hair encased in the hooded sweatshirt I wore defensively.

But I listened to the two of you talk and I couldn’t contain myself.

You spoke my language, peppered with a healthy dose of vulgarity and infused with the strangest spice of real emotion.

I had to join.

Somehow, in my eagerness to be heard, I couldn’t stop talking.

I told you everything.  You heard it all and loved me.

Really, really loved me.

Accepted me.

The first ones to see all of me and appreciate it.

The only ones to let me ride it out without judgement.

In time, I saw you as you saw me.

Perfectly human.

And I began to love you.

Love can never be exactly like we want it to be…

I could be satisfied knowing you love me…

And there’s one thing I want you to do especially for me…

And it’s something that everybody needs…

While I’m far away…

Whisper a prayer for me…

Because it’s hard for me…

And the darkest hour is just before dawn….

….and tell all the stars above

…this is dedicated to the ones I love…

I miss you.

Can we be a family again?