Once, there was an untold story…

“We only hold onto things because they benefit us somehow,” she told me. “Even if they hurt.”

We were up to Step 4, and Tovah guided me through my Resentments.

“Write them all. Some will be easy to let go of, and some will be challenging, but none are silly. They all mean something to you.”

And so my list grew longer and longer, and I found that I had wrapped these strings around me because they kept the pain at bay.

We unwrapped them slowly.

Some were embedded in my skin and required a delicate extraction. Some just needed a gentle tug.

But the thing with Resentment is that no matter how much you unravel, you can never get them all.

Did you know Resentment is really Hurt, Pain, Abandonment, Neglect, Fear, and Trauma wrapped in Anger and Regret?

Anger that it happened.

Regret that you let it.

Robin Williams telling you it’s not your fault—it’s not your fault—still doesn’t soothe the wounds you carry for a lifetime.

These strands are yours to remove.

So here I am again. Resenting things that aren’t the things that I’m saying.

But I tell myself lies to keep the pain from boiling over.

I say he was a good therapist, even though he told me to accept that god wanted it to happen to me and that I was the dysfunction in the home.

I say she changed even when she does it again and won’t follow the clear instructions I gave her on how to avoid hurting me.

I say he’s brilliant even though he throws the stupidest barbs my way and refuses to accept me as I am.

I say I am strong and confident even though my insecurities weaken my knees with every step I take.

I say I am ok.

I am lying.

And I don’t want to hold this anymore.

Tomorrow, my sister will die seven years ago. I am alone at home, sick and tired of being sick and tired, and all I can think about is Tovah and Bill dying before I could tell them that it’s not true; you don’t hold onto Resentment because it benefits you. You hold onto Resentment because it benefits people you love, makes you the scapegoat for their transgressions, allowing them to live their lives without you while you hold all the problems they created sacred in your heart.

But then again, Tovah and Bill figured that out already.

I grab a strand and pull. These Resentments are about to be unleashed in a mudslide, and homes are in the way.

Get out, get out, before you tumble down with me.

A story has to be told, and you are in the way.