Trying to be able…willing…strong…
To run free of all worries and fears
And looks and sneers
Of those who think I am
Who I present myself to be.
Wanting to say…scream…shout aloud…
All the burning feelings swirling
Circles of confusion
While I stand in silence.
The scenes play out in my mind’s eye, daring to exist, as I clench my teeth and bite my tongue, locking the road to reality tight.
I will let you think I am mean and cruel.
I will let you think I am condescending.
I will let you think I am derisively judgmental.
I will let you think I am negative, resentful and unforgiving.
I will not tell you how you make me feel so little, insignificant and invisible.
I will not tell you how my heart cries tears of loneliness while you surround me.
I will not tell you how much I yearn to be accepted.
I will not tell you how insecure I am.
You cannot see the explosions going on inside me as I sit quietly beside you. You cannot hear all the agonizing screams emanating from the pores I bear, but you feel the vibrations and you turn away slightly. I find a strange sense of victory and allow my lips to turn up enough to make your stomach churn. I will not tell you anything, and I will allow you to think what you will, but I can give you the creeps and make you think about me when you lie awake in bed, wanting to remember what it is that made you turn, while so badly wanting to forget.
Do not worry much, I’ll be there again tomorrow, along with my beloved torments, waiting for you.