The Courage to Change the Things I Can

G-d,
Grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

For a several years, I ended every day with the Shema, the Lord’s Prayer and the Serenity Prayer. I understood the words of Shema, and held on to that tradition, despite throwing away everything it said to keep sacred. The Lord’s Prayer made sense to me, as it spoke my language, literally, and was a basic supplication for daily sustenance. The Serenity Prayer completely alluded me. I spent many nights holding hands with my fellow AA members, chanting the words with a smile and following them with hugs, coffee and lots of lewd jokes. I thought it was just a formality, and it ended up in my nightly routine as habit.

Last night, I did something that changed me.

It took courage and a special dose of well-placed impulsiveness. Ironically enough, it also took a glass of wine.

I made a phone call that I thought I couldn’t make. It was difficult, and I had to go to a place in my heart that I don’t usually visit, a place of love, acceptance, and letting go. I don’t even know if there will be tangible results from the phone call. I only know how I feel.

I’ve always held strong to the conviction that I do not need to put myself in a vulnerable position if I am in the right and have done all that I can within my comfort zone to make things better when there is conflict. Now I feel that yes, as a human being that is all that I can aspire to do. However with a special courage granted to me by G-d, I can overcome so much more adversity and live a happier life.

The courage I received to do what I did wasn’t going to change the situation, but it did change me. That’s all I can change anyway, and it was the first time in my life that I felt the results immediately. I am so grateful for all those years of prayers finally coming together and bringing me one step closer in my quest to be closer to G-d.