At the end of this bright tunnel of love darkness waits alone
This is a very painful post for me to write; one that crept up over the years on occasion but willingly returned to its suppression box when I pushed it in. My husband and I have been married for over 13 years. Before our marriage, we spent intense, life-altering years with a revolving group of … Continue reading Goodbye, Cobblestone Road
It is ugly, this beauty. It aches in a way that tastes of bile. The light reflecting off the wall shines a spotlight on the pain...the empty feeling where feeling should be...her presence missing from the picture. Dusk. The in-between. Where the day is and isn't. Starting and beginning...the pause between the two. I am … Continue reading Paused.
My previous post touched on the journey my family has been on together. Although we are currently on the same page, my husband and I took different paths and followed forks in the road that sometimes seemed like they would never meet. After the birth of our son, I felt so disconnected from Judaism and lost in … Continue reading Sometimes, I Cry Alone in the Night
We stand under the canopy separated by the discomfort we feel at the display. You are wearing the uniform of a team you don't really play for. Your hair is cut according to someone else's taste. Even your shoes are a stranger's style. I am in white for the first time in my life. My … Continue reading 13 Years
I am sitting on a flimsy plastic chair and I don’t think it can possibly hold my shaking body a second longer. My palms are sweaty. My heart is beating faster than my chest can contain it and I know I will burst. And then there she is. She stands on the stage. She comes … Continue reading Quiet.
I am sitting in the room that has become your shrine. Your picture is everywhere I look. Your art hugs the walls. Your space is tangibly empty. This room holds a lifetime...it beats for an eternal second...it loses its breath and dies every day you are not in it... I am sitting here and I … Continue reading A Moment in Time
There is so much I could say...so much to write about... I could write about my sister...and her cancer...and what it feels like to be so far away...to be torn between my children and the baby I held in my arms at 14 years old...whispering my secrets to one of my only family members who … Continue reading When There Is Nothing Left To Say
Dear, dear spouses of victims of survivors of the broken people... Thank you. Thank you for not letting us push you away. Thank you for seeing past the desperate facade we thought was infallible. Thank you for understanding that not everyone wants to be touched…or can be touched…and adjusting your needs accordingly. Thank you for … Continue reading Dear Spouses,
I walk the lonely road… twisting…turning…forever changing… and as I wander… I believe…I doubt…I question…I yearn…I want. He walks…on a different road… twisting and turning in ways I don't always understand… with a belief…a doubt…a question…a yearning…a want…so different from mine. Sometimes we meet…at a fork in the road. He goes right…I go left… our … Continue reading The Lonely Love of Faith