Sun Year, Moon Year, and Me

The sun and moon fight above me. One circles me while I circle the other. And they disagree about time and space and light and make me wonder which of them is right. I was born after the stars had come out and the fires burned. The moon, just beginning to cycle back down in … Continue reading Sun Year, Moon Year, and Me

The Tides we Don’t Follow

We are first man and woman. We have created ourselves from the ribs of non-believers. We have no original sin to dictate our morals, no code passed down for generations. The string we hang from frays with every step towards the edge of this puppet stage. And this step, this leap away from tradition, this will cut the cord.

Uncovered

Orthodox Judaism has a uniform. It varies according to sect and strictness of observance, but it's always there, worn as an identity. As a child, I wore long, mid-calf skirts, sleeves below my elbows and necklines that covered my collarbone. I was lucky I could wear kneesocks, I couldn't stand the feeling of tights, and … Continue reading Uncovered

Letting Grief out to Play

Every year, I would sit down during the three weeks and write. I always wrote about pain and suffering, the land of Israel and the idea of redemption. I couldn't run away from relating to the entire period so intensely and savagely. Fearfully. There was always an element of fear that flowed through my emotions. … Continue reading Letting Grief out to Play

How to Lose Your Faith and Keep Your Friends

how to lose your faith and keep your friends

I am one of the few lucky ones. I have my husband and my children on this journey with me. I have my family who loves and accepts me. I have learned to connect with the people I love in ways that don't hurt. We talk about life and feelings and our shared past and … Continue reading How to Lose Your Faith and Keep Your Friends

Sometimes, I Cry Alone in the Night

My previous post touched on the journey my family has been on together. Although we are currently on the same page, my husband and I took different paths and followed forks in the road that sometimes seemed like they would never meet. After the birth of our son, I felt so disconnected from Judaism and lost in … Continue reading Sometimes, I Cry Alone in the Night

The Wicked Daughter

Sometimes, when I am feeling particularly reflective, I imagine my life as a boy. I wonder if I would make the choices I make today, had I been a boy. I think that I would, because I believe my gender plays only a small part in my human make-up. Maybe the road here would have … Continue reading The Wicked Daughter

I Am Woman — Please Don’t Make Me Roar

I am woman; I am tired of roaring. For as long as I can remember, my throat has burned from the constant constriction of my vocal chords fighting to be heard in a world where I was made second. From his rib, you were formed, by his side you shall stay… If it helps you … Continue reading I Am Woman — Please Don’t Make Me Roar

The Fear Factor

My heart was pounding furiously, my limbs tense and waiting, as I slowly placed the headphones over my ears.  Carefully, I slid deeper into the cave I had created with blankets and pillows, hiding alone in my locked room with a chair propped against the door.  I was ready. My sweaty palms held the Walkman … Continue reading The Fear Factor

I Am Doubt, Hear Me Roar

It was about bechira, naturally. I was in third grade.  I asked the usual question and got called an apikorus because I said it didn't make sense. In fourth grade it was about nevuah in fifth grade, har sinai, in sixth, yetzer hara, and in seventh I got tired so I stopped asking with my … Continue reading I Am Doubt, Hear Me Roar