I am in a bed with itchy blankets…lumpy pillows…and an empty…hollow…belly. My son is down the hall, across from this ward…attached to life. I am weak, scared and uncertain. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I can even join the many people who are praying for Tinok ben Bracha…for MY Tinok…
I answer the ringing cellphone gingerly, hoping this time there will be some sort of comfort on the other line.
It is my brother.
Hi…listen, I’m in yeshiva now…I just spoke to the Rosh Yeshiva…and he has a message for you…
I listen. I wait for salvation.
He said to tell you that you should make him Kadosh. He said he needs to be Kadosh…for Klal Yisroel…and he’ll be okay…
I hang up wearily. It is not what I want. I want a real boy. One who will disobey me, run free…unfettered to any specific way of serving Hashem. I know what Mirrer Yeshiva is…I don’t want a Mir boy…
I get up slowly and make my way towards my baby. I cannot think of him as holy or special…when I have not yet seen him.
I am shaking as I approach his incubator. The nurses move back for me. I see him…I see his tiny, tiny body…I see the holes in his chest and the tubes protruding from him…I see his minuscule feet and delicate hands…his translucent skin…I see his heart valiantly beat. His face is gaunt. His lips are parched. But…he is glowing…and he looks like me.
I put my finger in his palm. I sing…I tell him he is surrounded by angels. I tell him I love him. And then I tell him I want him to be Kadosh…always. I bless him with the strength to do whatever it is he is here to do…and to do it for us all.
I sing about the angels again and his fingers close around mine for just…a second….forever a second…
* * *
The Kotel seems to be beckoning me. I part from my husband with tears in my eyes, clutching the tehillim to my chest. My son is just down the road from me…surrounded by other beautiful babies…in a tomb I will never see. I cannot speak…the words are not yet mine to say…so I hang my head in sorrow and grief…and prayer. When I leave, I place my small book on a chair nearby…moving on. Inside, I have written my blessing to my child…my desire that he be Kadosh and belong to everyone.
* * *
I read the news while sipping my coffee pensively. The shock of the Rosh Yeshiva’s passing fades into an understanding of what he helped me do. He gave me the strength to separate myself from what I wanted as a mother…and what Hashem wanted from my child. He said I should make him Kadosh…for Klal Yisroel…and then he would be okay. I did…and he is okay…and I am okay.
My son…like all Mir boys in the past twenty years…is a product of Reb Nosson Tzvi Finkel.
* * *
There is a place…up above…where there is a special yeshiva…for children…who don’t need us…with a Rosh Yeshiva who is their Father…and now…they have another shiur to listen to…as Reb Nosson Tzvi begins…a new z’man.
11 thoughts on “B’Yeshiva Shel Maaleh…”
This made me cry. So powerful. And so beautifully written.
You, who secretly do wonderful things for other people and who have done your share of personal suffering (both for your own tragedies AND for others) deserves nothing less that extreme happiness for you and your family. My blessing, for what it’s worth.
I teared up reading this as well. Beautifully written and heartrending in content. Thanks for sharing.
I just read this in AMI! It is wonderfully expressed. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I thank you for sharing it with us in such a powerful way.
I saw it in Ami too! And it made me tear up the second time around again.
and did you all notice how the paragraph about the Mir was edited? Some words were taken out and ‘yet’ was added at the end…..aarrrghhh..but thanks for saying you saw it, i was wondering if anyone would remember it from here.
I DID notice that! I was wondering if they edited it or you did.
they did, although my father pointed it out before i sent it in and said it would be edited….apparently even the more open magazines still think everyone aspires towards the Mir….
I saw it too…
Was wondering if you sent it in or if someone asked if they could publish it.
i sent it in….they said they don’t normally take things already put on blogs, but took exception to this one.