Incompetent

I went for an ultrasound today to see how my body is handling this pregnancy.

I found out that it’s struggling mightily to hold on.

It’s an absolutely horrible thing to watch your body do something that your brain does not want it to do.

When you cannot hold in  baby for a long enough time for it to develop fully, it feels like failure.

I know, deep down somewhere in my brain, that it’s not my fault and that I have no control over it.

My heart is screaming something else.

My heart is beating me up for being incompetent.

My heart is remembering the horrid feelings I had when I pushed out a baby too small for this world.

My heart tells me I am a bad mother for not physically protecting my children in the womb.

My heart is warning me that if I am not successful this time around, it will turn on me.

My heart is a coward.

I hate my heart.