The flutters intensify every year as we light the last candle. Eight flames burning is the signal; the moment we start counting down the week until our baby’s birthday, three days before his death. This year, my womb contracted wildly with the news of another boy torn from his mother too early… too violently. I held my … Continue reading Mourning my Son with no Name
There is a soundtrack to my life. There are an endless amount of lyrics and tunes stored in my brain and the second something happens that triggers a feeling, a song begins to play. Today, I heard the White Lion ballad stirring around as I listened to an audio clip of children crying out for … Continue reading When the Children Cry – Rise Up!
I guess I'm a grown-up now, I think, as I sit here translating her words in my head, then translating my words before I stumble them out of my mouth and into the air where they embarrass me by screaming out "FOREIGNER" in this big room that can't possibly hold the emotions she so casually … Continue reading Grown-up
They told me kids grow up too soon...so I feel a little guilty right now... Because it doesn't seem soon enough to me... I don't know if I was made to pick up toys all day...have my skirt used as a tissue...field questions about witches and monsters...listen to never-ending whines about everything and anything...all as … Continue reading Can’t I Be The Mom I Want To Be?
Seven years. It's been seven years since I had some time that could be mine to do with as I please. The routine of my life consisted of pregnancies, depression, births, newborns, infants, toddlers and learning to nap when I got a chance. By the time my daughter turned three, my son was born. We … Continue reading Mother, May I?
Elohim sheli, ratziti sheted’a Chalom shechalamti balayila bamitah (My God - I wanted you to know, the dream I dreamt at night in bed) She sings her favorite song on the swings…in the sand…on the bus…and … Continue reading I Just Wanted You To Know
The world knows about the songs she wrote. I know about the poems and heartfelt musings she keeps together with some sketches in the back of the file cabinet in the section marked “misc.”. Most of them are from when she was in high school. The words are fading and it’s hard to make out … Continue reading I Write the Songs that Make the Whole World Sing…
When I was in kindergarten I colored a dreidel. To me, it was just another shape outlined in thick black ink that I was meant to color in with whatever crayons I chose. To my teacher, who happened to be an artist, it was amazing. My mother worked in the school so the teacher ran … Continue reading Oh Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel…
Today, we met with a panel of fierce-looking Israeli professional women with thick eyebrows. They are going to decide what to do with our daughter. They asked us to describe her. We did. They asked the gannenet to describe her. She did. And then they deliberated in front of us. Bewildered is not enough of … Continue reading De-valuate
Describe yourself, they say. Make them understand who you are. Use words that paint a picture. Dig deep inside and express your qualities with letters and spaces. Get them to understand you. So, I try. I close my eyes and I dig and dig and dig. In the process, I throw aside the obvious and … Continue reading Mother of Two