Trauma follows me wherever I go.
It likes my attention…wants me to let myself get wrapped in it’s claws…consent to it’s talons tearing through my skin…participate in the letting of my soul’s blood.
Trauma and I are inseparable.
It likes to stand so close to me that it looks as though we share the same face…and I find it necessary to peer through Trauma’s eyes to see as I filter through Trauma’s noise to hear.
Trauma loves me violently and is quick to remind me of who I really am.
Trauma turns my back for me, just as I am about to let go.
Trauma weighs down my legs with each step.
Trauma seeps into my vocal chords and plays games with words I try to say.
Trauma takes an active role in my relationships.
Trauma guides me in how not to parent.
Trauma even likes to go shopping with me.
Trauma is my everything.
I don’t know how to feel…how to act…how to think…without Trauma’s constant active memory of a past that refuses to remain buried.
I always thought I could live with Trauma forever…accept Trauma as part of me…become stronger with Trauma as my second skin…
Maybe I will, in some ways…
But, today I find a moment where Trauma can be distracted by a feeling I thought I cared about.
I sit down and write
Trauma takes a step back in shock…
For a moment…
I am visible.