Trying to be able…willing…strong…
To run free of all worries and fears
And looks and sneers
Of those who think I am
Who I present myself to be.
Wanting to say…scream…shout aloud…
All the burning feelings swirling
Spinning, twirling
Circles of confusion
While I stand in silence.
The scenes play out in my mind’s eye, daring to exist, as I clench my teeth and bite my tongue, locking the road to reality tight.
I will let you think I am mean and cruel.
I will let you think I am condescending.
I will let you think I am derisively judgmental.
I will let you think I am negative, resentful and unforgiving.
I will not tell you how you make me feel so little, insignificant and invisible.
I will not tell you how my heart cries tears of loneliness while you surround me.
I will not tell you how much I yearn to be accepted.
I will not tell you how insecure I am.
You cannot see the explosions going on inside me as I sit quietly beside you. You cannot hear all the agonizing screams emanating from the pores I bear, but you feel the vibrations and you turn away slightly. I find a strange sense of victory and allow my lips to turn up enough to make your stomach churn. I will not tell you anything, and I will allow you to think what you will, but I can give you the creeps and make you think about me when you lie awake in bed, wanting to remember what it is that made you turn, while so badly wanting to forget.
Do not worry much, I’ll be there again tomorrow, along with my beloved torments, waiting for you.
Colloquially Speaking 
I’m going to go out on a limb and say you aren’t going to get too many comments to this post.
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good call – no one ever comments on the posts that make them feel uncomfortable
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your right, facing uncomfortable things is difficult, but you don’t seem like the kind of person who runs away. Your posts are brave and touching. Thank you
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thanks – i really appreciate that. although it seems other people are afraid to admit they relate to my ugly, morbid feelings…
and blogging about it to anonymous people is not so very brave, wish i could say things when they count…
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well being able to admit them even to yourself is brave, and i think thats what really counts.
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All I have to say to this post is that you are NOT alone. I’ve heard similar sentiments expressed by other people. Isn’t it typical to hide our thoughts and disguise insecurity with snobbishness?
It’s sad that it has to be like that, though…
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Crap – I’m never right about anyhting…
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I just wanted to prove you wrong 😛
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SIR – do you think i’m snobby? jk – i’m not sure what i come across as, no one ever gets close enough to me to actually tell me what the first impression was…
Cymaline – i get the feeling you knew what you were doing 🙂
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Hmmm – Don’t give me so much credit.
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I often feel the same way. Craving likemindedness, a community. One by one, I get tossed out of groups. Go figure. Not this enough, not that enough.
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